are you there?

i have not been here in quite some time. i find that i do not have the time to read the blogs of some of the people that i care about most. why then should i blog myself? the obvious answer seemed to be, don’t. however, i am confronted with a problem. i am stuck inside my head. i have things to say, but i don’t know who to say them to, how to say them, or if they are even worth saying. further, i am not even sure if there is anyone here to read. if i were you, i would have deserted me long ago.

regardless of the obvious reasons not to write. i am going to anyway. i don’t know what i am going to say. it is likely that it will be a plethora of nothingness, but maybe there will be a gem buried in there somewhere amongst the rubbish. bear with me. i am hopsslam-ed.

here i go:

the other day, i was talking to talya about the woes that seem to have dominated my being as of late. these conversations happen often with talya, as it seems that i struggle to understand or think that anyone else cares the way that she does, or wants to hear the way that she does, or understands the way that she does, or knows what to say the way that she does. thus, talya is it. she gets it all, and the rest get the bits and pieces. there is a problem with this scenario. (1) talya is not here. while i do not begrudge her the absence, it is a problem. her being gone means that colleen does not get it all out as frequently or in the way that she need to. i bottle. not healthy. bad for the resolution of inner turmoil and problems. (2) it is not healthy to rely on one person, regardless of who they are, to such a degree. it isn’t nice for her, and it isn’t such a good idea for me either. i need to branch out. i need to let other people care about me.

as elliot smith would say, “bottle up and explode…”

in my feeble attempt to prevent said explosion. i will uncork my bottle here.

i am heartbroken. i fell in love in st. petersburg. it was more prefect, and lovely than anything that i could ever have imagined for myself. i could have continued on in that state for the duration of what my life will be. we broke up on august 23rd. it hurts less now. it hurts differently now. it still hurts. all of the memories are still there. will they ever go away? if i can get through an entire day without a glimpse of what was, i am caught off guard. i see things everywhere. it follows me like a shadow.

most of the time, i feel like no one understands. all of the time, i feel like no one cares. i realize that this is likely not the reality, but it is my reality.

on a bad day, i walk around like a ghost. i long more than anything to have someone say to me, “are you okay?” and not believe me when i say, “yes.” i want you to sit and listen to me talk. i want your sympathy. i want your eyes to see my hurt. i want you to understand my pain. i want you to tell me that i am not a pathetic human being for feeling like this five months and 24 days after the fact. i have been having a lot of days like this recently.

i am tired of hiding. that is all.

Advertisement